On Painting: "Love Song in Progress".
Updated: 15 hours ago
Usually I write about my art when it is complete, when I have thoroughly thought about the meaning of it all and I have a photo of it that I want to publicly post. Today I am not worried about those who have a critical word. Some people understand process. So here we are. I'm jotting down some thoughts about my studio time while I am actually in process with an unfinished piece! I think there is something to be gained by sharing en route, if you will . So why today? It felt like raptures in my little room of a studio, an exceptional kind of joy. I have had now four studio sessions with this piece, and each day I have taken notes in my little journal that was given to me by one of my favourite people. There is no care in penmanship here. Scribbles are the order of the day. The piece has journeyed from something recognizable to a place of abstraction in a short time all the while maintaining its working title of "Love Song." It just came to mind when I painted a bird on the first day, a hen sitting upon her most precious chicks to be. There was a sun shining brightly in the sky above them. That was where the piece drastically changed course as I saw in my mind's eye white lines being painted on top of the lovely picture. I struggled a little to paint over something that I really liked from the start. It already had an important meaning, but I did it because I always want to partner with God in my work and so when I feel like He is saying something different than my initial idea I want to be able to let go of what I thought was supposed to be and to go with His leading instead. So with a big brush, I painted white up and down the length of the piece, and by doing so the composition got "new bones", a new foundation to build on. Bye Bye Birdie. And you know what, I quickly got over the loss of painting something else. This has happened before with my work and I know that's not worth it to me to hold so tightly to my own ideas because when I embrace a new alignment from Him, then it will ONLY get better! It will become what it needs to be.
So what does it need to be? It needs to be a translation of what the room feels like while I have spent time on it. I think that is the entire point of my work, translations of atmosphere, translations of what is known in some circles as "The Secret Place." So what does "The Secret Place" mean to me? It is a place that I get to in my spirit where I am entirely focused on the Presence of God. And it is the best space ever. I literally close the door to the room to enter into it. It is a space in the spirit that is filled with an inexpressible joy and sometimes it just gives me a break down because I feel God's presence so profoundly. It can look like dancing or jumping, clapping of hands, or hands being raised up as far as they go. It can be silent or it can be singing to the worship music that I play while I paint. Sometimes it is all of that in one session. And it's all a natural response to what I'm feeling in my spirit when I pick up that paintbrush. And the paintings becomes like flags that are showing which way the wind of the Holy Spirit was blowing, atleast that is the idea. I want it to be like crossing a threshold in the spirit to encounter everything I did while I was painting it. So at the heart of it, my work is about connection. Connection to the One who brings Light and not darkness, the One who brings comfort and love, for principalities and strongholds are thrown down and shattered in His name. I want my art to align with that and breakthrough barriers to take us into the light and freedom that comes in the name and person of Jesus. Can a painting do all of that? Absolutely, without a doubt.
"Love Song" is right on track. My heart leaps with joy to do it. It feels like water saturating the ground to a place overflowing. It feels like hope breaking through.
Every new painting I seem to do lately makes me want to repaint almost everything I've done so far, almost. This feels like the case today. There are exceptions of course, like the one that you see on my homepage. That is staying like it is forever. You don't paint over a dream. This was my prayer today as I started. "Holy Spirit please lead me in this work today. May it minister to others besides me in Jesus' name, Amen." God did not disappoint. I listened to "The Altar Sessions Volume I by Rick Pino and Abbie Gamboa" while I painted because last night, or should I say this morning, I woke up at 4 am with some lyrics from this album on loop in my head, specifically the song "Psalms". If you've read one of my recent posts about how God sees us and encourages us on hard days entitled, "Spring Song", you will know the exact one I mean. And I keep hearing and seeing nods to that Psalm like I did before, definitely a theme.
As I embarked on today's session I thought about how people in general have a propensity to want to know the end from the beginning. I keep hearing this psalm and I really want to know why it is that He keeps showing it to me. I'm sure I will find out one day, why else would it keep showing up? And for me, in my work, it has kind of been like that too. I have wanted to know the end from the beginning, not so much the work itself, but the meaning, and that has taken precedence over sharing about what happens in the middle. It is a process that ebbs and flows and changes and there is a hesitancy to share about the in between moments, all those thoughts and steps because often I don't know what is next, and it looks messy. But, some sessions are just the bridge. Now that feels like a word for someone. So here is the beginning of a brand new journey which entails me sharing about the middle, not every thought, but so much more than before. Some things are just for between us and God. Here's the overlap though, as people, we can want to know how it all works together, all the nods, all the themes, all the scripture, and pictures and words. It can be place where we can become impatient, because it requires us to lay down our right to understand everything, and for everything to be in our timing. It can be a place where our "flesh" as it were starts to scream out for change, and we get tired in all the ways. If you've ever fasted, it can kind of feel like that, we just want what we want, when we want it and that can feel like it is never going to break, that this will be like this forever. This is so relevant to keep talking about because as we walk along with God, we will always be wanting the next breakthrough. We get through one and are immediately, as Joyce Meyer has been known to say, in the waiting room of life. Some waits take longer than others, and if you've been reading any of my posts for any amount of time you will know that I camp out there quite a bit. This is what I know about that, it can feel like a long, long, long time and you start wondering, "Did I hear right?" "Do I have enough determination to do this?" If you have been camping out in your own waiting room, that will sound extremely familiar. So what is the way through? This is what I have learned. It's praise. It's worship. It's getting you eyes off your situation and into gratitude for who God is and what He has done for us. It cannot be overstated. Doing that over and over and over again, I have found it always to be true, "The joy of the Lord is our strength." (Nehemiah 8:10) [And would you look at that, today is August 10th! Now that feels like a wink from Heaven.] It is true even when, dare I say, especially, when things are completely out of our control. Goodness that gets right to the heart of everything. If you can persevere through that middle, then you will see something on the other side of it, that God's word is true that He works it all for our good. That is going to look different for all of us, because our walks have their own details. One of the biggest wins for me in hard times that blesses me over and over again is knowing that God never leaves me or forsakes me. And even though this is completely true, we can still hurt a lot. And if that is you, then take it to the bank that God is for you and not against you (Romans 8:31) and that He wants to take care of your injured heart and spirit. And none of us have arrived, we are all works in progess. There are no tidy packages.
Today's session felt quite emotional. Suffice it to say there is a very good reason I don't do any live painting sessions. There is some weeping involved. I know, you wouldn't really think that was part of the process, but it totally can be. And I want it to be. I don't want to miss out on that. Today felt deeper than others though and it makes me think that there is something important about today. If you are what they call a "feeler" then you will know that I mean. In Pentecostal circles you might call that weeping part of "getting wrecked", which is quite desirable actually. When the Presence of God is heavy like that you just want to stay in that place for as long as possible. One of the first times that happened to me I was in a little church in The Okanagan, B.C. with some friends. By all accounts everyone else seemed to be having a very normal day in church and I was crying my face off. Not loud sobbing, but endless tears streaming down my face for whatever reason then I didn't know, except that now I know that it was God's presence. He was in the room, and not in a Pentecostal church either, probably someplace a lot more traditional, a lot. That might be hard to believe for some people, but facts are facts. I find these kind of experiences so relevant too, because coming from almost an unchurched background, I had no grid for this. It wasn't worked up because I didn't know it could be worked up. I had no idea even what is was for years, but I know what it felt like. It is like nothing else the world can offer, nothing, and trust me you want this.
This is quite a long entry, and honestly, not a whole lot on technique etc., because today wasn't about that. Today was about going deep with God and staying in that place as long as I possibly could because I wanted to. The work progressed because of it. It gained more definition, more direction and I felt like God was saying to me, "Don't sacrifice the line to cover something up." Painting wisdom for the future. Even more importantly though I was encouraged. The waiting room has been a long, long wait with breakthrough a long time coming and I am just a person who can breakdown just like you do. This is the takeaway though, it feels important that you know this today because of where we are on the calendar. If you take nothing else from this post, take this. One can hear the voice of God. Not just through the word, and not just in the still small voice. One can hear His Voice. I know this is true because I have, and it stopped me in my tracks. Normally I wouldn't tell you that or tell you what to do because we don't seem to be like that in the world anymore, except we very much need to be. We need to respond to God in the appropriate timing. Everything that is happening in the world right now is in the context of the Bible. I heard this in the Spirit, "Look at what time it is!" And I know this is hard for some to accept, but I'm going to stick my neck out anyways and repeat the question that the people asked Peter all those years ago who were cut to the heart by his sermon when they asked, "What shall we do?" (Acts 2:37), and Peter replied, "Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call" (Acts 2: 38,39). We need to do this.
And I feel like God is saying this today, "Leap."
"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." - Ephesians 2: 8,9.
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God." - 1 Corinthians 1:18.
"And you will hear of wars and rumours of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences, and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of sorrows." - Matthew 24: 6-8.
There's always a moment when I have more clarity about what a piece is about. It happened just now as I was preparing to write some of my notes down here for the day. I realized that when I was adding today's progress photo that I had been saying process instead of progess like the orignal title of this entry. I had gotten it mixed up and accidentally put the wrong word in its place. And that word process, it has such a clinical centrifugal feel to it, like if the process was hard enough, that in the end the perfect result will happen. I am reminded of my Grandma's ancient double roller press washing machine from long ago that used to press the clothes so hard that there was not any water left. Well that has a huge nod to religion doesn't it. It squeezes you SO hard that there is no life left in you at all and you feel like a limp rag. Let that sink in for a little. This is not The Way. This one word change made such a huge impact on me, progress, not process. So I moved the quotation marks to include this in the title. This piece is now called "Love Song in Progress" and that my friends makes my eyes well up. Religion demands perfection, but commitment to Jesus is not that way. It allows for growth, for personal stretching, and I don't mean the physical kind. When we start walking with God, what He does, I believe, is to create more space in us to hold more of Him. More of His Spirit. More of His character. More of His love. "Love Song in Progress", well it feels like it's a do not disturb sign on a door that is closed while the person in the room is entering into the Secret Place with God, a moment of beautiful spiritual metamorphosis.
I felt drawn into the studio the day that I made this, so much so that I ignored my usual routine all together. The work was calling. I think that set the tone for the rest of my time in studio. It was all about response. Responding to the music. Responding to what I saw in my mind's eye for what was coming next for the work. Responding to the presence of God in the room. Response, it's what God wants from us. I skipped through my worship music playlist to find the songs that felt on point for that day. I want to make sure I'm in alignment with The Holy Spirit for the heart of the piece to come forth. That requires a little change up as necessary. If the music is not right, I just know it and I move on to what is. I thought a lot about my old neighbourhood while I painted this, the one I grew up in, and it feels golden to me. If you had this, you know what I mean. You know it by heart. You know who lived in which house and you've most likely been there, and the people, well they know you. When you are walking home from school or a friend's house you can smell what they are making for dinner. I love that memory! What was Mrs. McLay making all the time? It smelled amazing! I wish I had asked. And when the sun is starting to go down in the summer, and you and your friends are still riding your bikes all over the place, you see the lights go on (what time was that anyways? It must've been late!) and you know the people who are at home there. In the case that you needed help, you would just go up to the door and ring the bell because they knew you, they knew your parents, and they would be there for you. There is something so amazingly precious about that.
The piece very much then became about being known, deeply known. Known by people in our history, but also by God (and I as I type this "Love Song" by Tyler Dorsch just came on my playlist. The time? 11:22. I love it when God shows up like this. Let's all just step into the presence of God together shall we? Holy Spirit come and minister to everyone who is reading this.) God, He is good. I'm turning up the music and sitting back in my chair to take it all in. Wow, does He ever see us. There is so much joy here. It is such a gift to be so known. Now Rick Pino is singing, "Make me lie down in green pastures, You restore my soul." God is orchestrating my playlist today. I will never get tired of that. When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour I didn't know it would be this good. There are hard days, very hard, but also this. This! This, that which words fail to express. I think that is why I paint because it gets right to heart, right to the soul, right to the spirit of us all, and expresses that which we just can't put together. There is such a feeling of home on this. Home that shelters you. Home that loves you. Home that restores you. And God longs to restore us in every way there is.
I feel like today God is saying that He sees you. When no one sees you He does. When no one saw what happened, He did. He sees it all and He wants to cradle you in His arms and take care of your heart. He so longs to mother you just like a hen that so carefully takes care of her little chicks. Comforted. Protected. Safe.
When we are loved like this, It's then that we become that love song.
So go into your room and close the door and ask the God of the universe to speak to you and show you how very much He loves you.
"'Have faith in God.' Jesus answered" - Mark 11:22
"So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, 'Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.' When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, 'Lazarus, come out!' The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go.'" - John 11: 38 -44.
When I started painting in my spare time, I didn't intend for it to all come out like this. All these circles! I have tried to paint things that look like things, but it just doesn't work, I always end up here with this montage of circles and lines and metallic accents as an impression of something else. How many different ways can a person do this? I have no idea, but I'm guessing it's limitless. I think what is changing here for me is the whole behind the scenes thoughts, there are more of them. And not to say they are all profound, they aren't, but the thought of a painting being a reflection of time spent in the presence of God is right up there. In this session, where pink seemed to be all that I wanted to paint, there was the thought that this work, and almost all my work, is an expression of intercession. And without going into the deep meaning of intercession, I will just say it feels like deep prayer about something, about some people, or a place. In this studio session, I was praying those deep kind of prayers that you can only feel in your gut. I was praying them for the people I grew up with and for people that I know now, and for people I have yet to meet and for places I've never been to. Why does that come up? I think because God wants me to lift them up so that they can know the love song that He is singing to them. I thought about what it looks like and feels like to grow up, but also how we grow even as adults, growing in our emotional health, and our mental health and our spiritual health. Throughout our entire lives, we just keep stretching and changing. Sometimes that stretching is because of our own choices, and sometimes, unfortunately, it's because of other people's choices. That is and will always be very challenging, probably the worst of all. I'm sure you've heard this before, but it's coming to mind now. No one has it all figured out. I think though, that at a certain point we should have some things figured out. If we don't know though, we should ask for help, because we all need a little help from our friends. Today's work feels like its an echo of all those sentiments. It's starting to look less and less like recognizable things. It's in the hallway of life, slowly turning into what it was always meant to be having this eternal poetry as the backdrop. Remember this.
"The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
-Zephaniah 3:17
Today was the day when it was all about the orange. I love that urban vibe of orange. And this felt like streets in a big city. Well that feels like a theme doesn't it? Anyone remember my painting about being in a bigger pond? I guess that's part of who I am. You can take the girl out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the girl. Ironically, there wasn't one note of music played for this session. It was all done in silence. I talked to God as the brush meandered across the canvas. It all felt very freeing this step. Whatever I painted was good. And I felt like God told me to turn the canvas upside down so that's what happened and the piece is better for it. If there was one word that describes today's work it is "RELEASE". All caps. This feels refreshed. I painted a door in the bottom right hand corner that is almost the same as the top left hand corner. Maybe they are connected somehow? Entering the door gets you through to a path so that you can come out on top? Maybe? I like that idea. Hidden ascension. Sounds like something that would happen in a castle from long ago. I think I was in prayer the whole time today. And as a kid book we used to have would say, "Prayer is just talking to God." How true that is. I always feel like I have let go of the pressure I feel on the inside when I talk to God. He lifts me up at the end of it all, and I feel better. Today was a good reminder to me that not everything I feel is mine, or mine to hold onto. This session was cathartic. The little door I painted felt like it opened up into a place of refuge, a secret place, where we go to be with God. It had me thinking of that scripture in the Bible where Jesus came to visit Mary and Martha. Mary's sitting at Jesus' feet taking in everything that Jesus is saying and Martha is running around trying to get all the things done. And Jesus says, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her." - Luke 10: 41, 42. I can't imagine what it would be like to literally have Jesus in front of you in the flesh, it would be an understatement to say that it would be something else. Everything else you had ever thought about would just fade to the background. This is what I have to come to understand though. When we are like Mary, Jesus takes care of the things that Martha is worried about.
There are painting sessions that tend to blur together. This is what is happening here in these three progress photos. I just couldn't put the brush down and did a few sessions in a less number of days. I kept going back to the studio. I needed to keep working on it! In the studio I felt like God was leading me in my thoughts and saying, "Do what you are convinced of." And so it was blue and then green and then pink. It was lines and blocking in colour. How I love the blocking of colour. It creates such a wonderful place for one's eye to rest. The green, it reminds me of Psalm 23 that says, "You make me lie down in green pastures" (verse 2). The piece was progressing, but at this point I was trying to figure out what this painting was all about and so that's why I think there were so many sessions in a short time period. I was working, attempting to get the right feel. I was trying to understand what I was painting and why and that can take awhile. It had to do with that "Secret Garden" feel, but not quite. It was deeper, and then it struck me. It was more like the garden in "The Red Bird" by Astrid Lindgren published in 1959. After that little revelation, I had the heart of it or at least something similar, now to get that across. There is a real danger though when you are so inspired by another artist's work that you start to make your piece an imitation of theirs, and I certainly didn't want to do that. It just had to be a nod to it, implied. I think one of the most important visual ideas from the garden described in that book is the wall that surrounded the place the children found. The wall had an open door in it. Everything around it was cold and grey and this door was filled with light and life and so my piece started to become an expression of a place like that except the wall I was painting was one of colour. It's a wall with a door leading to a place of safety, a place of hope. There was no bigger word that stood out in my mind during these sessions than the word REFUGE. Again all caps. That's how I see it in my mind. I first read "The Red Bird"at the public library. I casually picked it up, but this book is a heavy hitter and I was literally crying in the kids section. Talk about verklempt! It totally took me by surprise. So go read that book and have some Kleenex on you. You are going to need it.
I wanted to start here today, a snapshot of my piece right from the beginning. I know, kind of strange when this blog entry has been all about progression. I felt to return though to my first thoughts, the first paint to the canvas so as to get right to the heart of the finished work. It sounds heavy, but this piece started with inspiration from this scripture found in Matthew 23:37.
"How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks, under her wings, but you were not willing!"
Gathers her chicks. You know I don't know much about the mother heart of God because I don't see it very much in scripture, but I can understand it from this one. My children are beyond precious to me. I have unconditional love for them. And I wouldn't hesitate to stand in their place if someone came against them to take their lives. I know so many mothers feel the same. It would be an automatic response. We would leap into danger for them without a second thought. I am reminded of in the day before seatbelts when mothers would automatically thrust their arm out in front of their child who was sitting in the front seat if the car came to a sudden stop. That protective mechanism in us goes deep! Sometimes I joke with my children as they go out the door into their lives and say, "Do you have everything I ever taught you?" They know that I am only asking them because I love them and I want them to be okay. And I think that is part of the heart of this painting in a way. I think to put it on a basic level this is what God wants for us. He wants us to be okay, in all the ways. Safe. He wants us to find our protection in Him. He wants to shelter us. Is that the mothering part? The nod to the hen sitting upon her precious eggs? I think so. In terms of the art, the more of it is the rest of the painting. It's the time and place where we open the door and cross the threshold into the grace of God and He starts to work on us and we become a love song in progress. We start to get to know Him and He somehow through that faith transformation He restores our souls. It says in The Bible that it's the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. His kindness. That is the starting point of it all for me. And well, the kindness and love of God, it's emotional. It reaches into the heart of you where the joints meet the marrow. The effect of it reminds me of how when you've had a good cry and when you finally stop there is that release, that feeling of tiredness like a small child comes over you. In that moment you know that something difficult has been processed and that you have begun to heal. You begin to feel better. And God keeps showing up that way, in kindness, in love and we are changed for the better when we respond to Him with an open heart just like a child.
In my life, just like everyone else's, there are things that have not turned out how I wanted them to. It's hard to deal with an unmet expectation. Reality can come crashing down on us. I don't know who said this, but it's worth pondering. "When you can't see God's hand, trust His character." God is beyond figuring out, but I can trust in His love for me. I was reminded of it again this week on a day that was not feeling very good at all. Life can feel like it comes at us all at once, not to mention the enemy of our souls. Not all days are good days, but we can get through them. This is how God in my life makes all the difference. I'm going to get really personal here and tell you that I asked Him to cover me just the other day because I was feeling so overwhelmed. I needed to ask Him to do that for me. Cover me. Sounds like something you'd see in a movie when someone moves from a place of shelter to a place where they win a victory. And God wants us to have victory in our lives, even in our every day lives. This is how I know. I live it. On this particular day of feeling not so wonderful I had to get some things done so I got into my vehicle and said my prayer and went off to get my list checked off. When I was half way through my errands and going back to my vehicle I noticed that the car parked next to mine had a Bible verse decal on the back window. I was curious and looked it up and it was Psalm 91:4 that says,
"He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."
Thanks for the word Friend. I needed it.
And you know that little encouragement made all the difference in my day. It gave me strength in my innerman as they say because that verse had a direct connection to my silently uttered prayer and it lined up perfectly with what God had spoken to me once upon a time in His still small voice years ago. In that moment I was reminded of how God says once we are His children He never leaves us nor forsakes us (Deuteronomy 31:8) and my day ended on a high note that keeps carrying me through.
How does it relate to the painting though? What I've come to realize is that the painting "Love Song in Progress" is an invitation into that place of safety in Jesus, the place behind the door as it were. The place where we become children of God and we are covered. This is where it ties in with the "Red Bird" by Astrid Lindgren so beautifully. This is the scene.
Young Anna and Matthew are out in the grey desolate world without any hope, starving and almost freezing to death and then they spy a red bird that leads them through a very narrow crevice, so narrow that only a child's body could squeeze through. So they do, and they find a high wall with a door and a flowering cherry tree branch stretching over and down the wall. Walking through the door they find an unexpected paradise. Everything is green and fragrant and there are children playing everywhere and their clothes have changed from the colour of their grey mouse world to ones that "sparkled like spring flowers in green grass". And Anna says, "'This is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in my whole life.' Then they heard a voice calling, 'Come, all my children!' Matthew and Anna looked up from their waterwheel. 'Who is that calling?' said Anna. 'Our mother,' said the children. 'She wants all the children to come.' 'But she is not our mother', said Anna. 'Oh yes, she is', said the children. 'She is all the children's mother.' Then Matthew and Anna followed the other children across the meadow to a little cottage, and there was Mother. You could see that it was Mother, she had a mother's eyes and mother's hands, and her eyes and hands were enough for all the children who crowded around her. She had cooked pancakes for them and she had baked bread , she had churned butter and she had made cheese, the children could eat as much as they liked of everything...."
In that place behind the wall Anna and Matthew were taken care of and loved in a way that was complete by a mother who was for everyone and she was everything that all the children needed. What a metaphor that is for the heart of God towards us.
Now is the time that Jesus is calling.
He wants us all to come home to Him.
He is for us.
He wants us all to be a love song in progress.
"'Truly I tell you,' He said, 'unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'" - Matthew 18:3
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand." - John 10: 27-28
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4
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